This blog post is a hard one to write because unfortunately selective mutism has caused strain in some of our close relationships. This is true both for my son’s relationship with these people, as well as mine and my husband’s relationship with them.
What Caused Strain
The strain in the relationships started before we knew that my son has SM. People didn’t understand why he wouldn’t talk or engage with them. I think people assumed he had no interest in spending time with them.
People’s Reactions
People would get upset about his lack of engagement. It caused them to push him harder to speak and engage which only made him engage less. Basically the exact opposite of what you want to do with someone who has SM. In their defense, nobody knew he had SM and many people have never heard of it.
The other way it strained relationships was the exact opposite. Some people saw his lack of engagement and just stopped trying to talk or engage with him much at all. This definitely helped create fewer uncomfortable situations for my son but definitely didn’t help him build his bravery.
Each of responses to my son had a different impact on my relationship with these people. In the first case, it definitely made our relationship more difficult. I couldn’t watch them give my son a hard time for not responding when I could tell he was incredibly uncomfortable, even though I didn’t know that SM was the cause of the discomfort.
My husband and I tried making suggestions, like letting my son warm up or letting him lead on his own turns. These were just our thoughts and ideas but these didn’t always land well with people. Some people blamed the behavior on our parenting style. To them we weren’t addressing a behavior issue.
The response of engaging less with my son just made me sad. I appreciated that they didn’t pressure him but it is discouraging to see people not want to get to know someone who you love and care so much about, even if it is difficult to do. I found myself retreating from the world a bit because many of the social situations at that time just seemed so hard.
What Helped the Relationships
My son getting his diagnosis was a good first step in improving the relationships. There was a reason that explained the behavior. Others felt hurt that he was purposefully excluding them. The diagnosis allowed us to educate our friends and family on what SM is. This reduced the feeling that the lack of speech was personal.
The PCIT-SM therapy we started was the other huge help. It has helped us in two major ways.
- We have learned the best ways to interact with my son and can share those with our loved ones. This can be anything from how to fade them in to telling them the best ways to ask questions to get a response.
- We share what we are working on in therapy. This allows them to understand what we may want to focus on with brave talking when we see them next. It also sometimes gives us activities to play. Currently my son is working on asking questions so we are trying to play games like Guess Who when we see friends and family. Playing games like this gets them involved in his bravery.
The diagnosis and the tips and game suggestions from therapy have really significantly improved relationships with our loved ones for both me and my son. There is less frustration all around and we are back to enjoying time with our loved ones. It was a hard stretch when the relationships were strained a bit but it makes it extra rewarding to see his relationships with our loved ones growing so much now.
Leave a comment below. Has SM impacted relationships for you or your child? How have you coped with it? Have you found things that have helped?
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