Seeing my kid struggle to be vocal with others is hard. All I wanted to do was make it easier for my son. Before I even knew what selective mutism was, I would do what I thought was helpful for my son. What I didn’t know at the time was that I was negatively reinforcing the behavior.
Cycle of Negative Reinforcement
The Selective Mutism Association has a great visual for this.
My husband and I were consistently rescuing to get my son out of distress when people would try to talk to him. Even now, nearly 2 years after his diagnosis it is hard not to get in this cycle. This is especially true in certain situations. With people in our village that understand what SM is, it is easier to practice brave speaking and not rescue my son when prompted to talk. However, in community settings like the store it is harder to keep out of the cycle of rescuing him when speech is prompted.
If you are in a similar situation, remember to give yourself grace. It takes a lot of practice and patience to move beyond this cycle. I have social anxiety myself so I have to remind myself often not to let my own anxieties get in the way of my kid’s progress. In a lot of ways, working through my son’s therapy has also forced me to work on my own.
Avoidance
The other bad habit we got into early on was avoidance. The point where my son first started having a really hard time was around the time when my youngest was born. Staying home was easier for us as a family with an infant and a toddler. When we had to run errands, we would often send one parent and the other would stay home with the kids. This got my son into the habit of avoidance because he wasn’t being exposed to a lot of strangers. The only people he was interacting with were the people at his daycare and occasionally extended family. This definitely didn’t help his situation or give him many opportunities for brave talking.
Understanding selective mutism through online research and starting PCIT-SM therapy with our son, got us out of these bad habits. It has been amazing to see him thriving more. Our investment in learning the best ways to help him has helped that happen.
Share your thoughts. Did you also get in the trap of negative reinforcement? What has helped you best support your child?